Nurturing Your Relationship
Strategies for Early Parenthood
Having a baby is one of the most intense and profound rites of passage allotted to us as human beings. With it comes great responsibility, intense emotions, and often unexpected pressures. Parenthood is both wonderful and stressful, and as many people put it, “everything changes” when you have kids. There is suddenly little room for yourself, let alone your spouse. You are sleep deprived; there are new financial concerns, time crunches, and so much more. Even the strongest of relationships will be challenged during these early stages of parenthood. So how do you nurture your relationship when this new addition enters your family and, well, takes over? What’s the difference between those marriages that will withstand the test of parenthood, versus those that will crumble under the pressure?
We have compiled the top 10 tips for both surviving and thriving in these early years.
Seal the Cracks
Imagine a vase with tiny little cracks. Fill it with a magnificently beautiful flower, a handful of shiny decorative stones and pour in the water. You may notice wetness seeping out. The next day there is more and finally one day the vase shatters under the pressure. The vase is your marriage, that beautiful flower is your precious little baby, and the rocks and the water, the pressures of it all. As with this analogy, it’s important to enjoy the beauty of your newly- born child while also being aware of the pressures that may arise. Be sure to identify and tend to any weaknesses in your marriage and together do what you can to seal any cracks along the way.
Clear Expectations
With all the moving parts it is important to have clear expectations between the two of you. Who will get up for the midnight feeding? Are you both going back to work after the child is born or is one parent staying home to raise the child? And for how long? There are many hidden expectations in a marriage so be aware when you are frustrated with your mate and explore whether there was an unspoken expectation that wasn’t met. Recognize what that expectation might be and communicate it as best you can by making a request instead of a complaint.
Effective Communication
We all know that communication is essential to any healthy relationship. Why then is it so difficult at times to do it? If you haven’t already taken a communication skills workshop, this may be a great preventative measure before the baby arrives, if at all possible. This may sound unnecessary and even impossible to fit in with everything else you need to do to prepare for baby, however good communication skills just might be your savior when seas get rough.
Parenting Techniques
Parenting techniques begin right from the start. There are so many parenting tips out there today it is almost impossible to agree on everything. If you can agree on a general philosophy and be open to discussions in specific situations and as differing parenting styles arise, you are one step ahead of the game and one step closer to a happy marriage.
Flexibility
One of the greatest assets that you can implement as new parents is to be flexible and creative while solving practical challenges. Everything changes so rapidly in the early stages—from sleeping and feeding patterns, to what each individual needs in order to feel okay. It is essential that you work together and allow each other to offer new and creative ideas. You may want to keep a list of your baby’s top ten needs handy: food, touch, movement, gas, etc. and then be careful not to get attached to the new norm but instead be ready for the next transition.
Nurture the Whole
When a baby is born to a couple there are suddenly seven relationships that need to be nurtured. Most people don’t see the complexity of the new family dynamics. Traditionally mom and baby spend the majority of time together, leaving dad to feel a bit left out. Down the line this can backfire with mom claiming, “His life never changed while I’ve lost mine completely.” Remember, dads need time with baby too, with freedom to forge their own relationship. Then what about time for the two of you to nurture your marriage? Oh wait, dad needs time for himself, mom needs time for herself, and believe it or not, baby needs to be left alone briefly at times also. Then of course there is the complete family unit. Adding another child or multiples? Pay attention to nurturing all the combinations. And remember, if it’s not working for one of you, it’s not working for any of you and something needs to change.
Support and Balance
Along the lines of nurturing the whole, planning ahead to get your needs met and to keep your family resourced will be of great benefit. Consider utilizing family, friends, and hired help to ensure you each get what you need postpartum whether that is regular exercise (even a short walk), social contact, professional support, healthy food, and above all, sleep.
Sex and Intimacy
For most couples, sex is a luxury in the early “daze” of parenting. Don’t fret. Sex will resume in your relationship in time. In the meantime, it is important to maintain connection and intimacy in other ways when possible. Make it a daily practice to tend to your relationship. This can include kind words or a statement of appreciation, a tender glance, a short massage, a long hug, a passing touch, or a sweet kiss. These small, yet significant, actions will help to remind you why you chose one another in the first place and that you are on the same team.
Take Responsibility
It is very normal for marriages to be strained and for arguments to occur in early parenthood. Sometimes these arguments come out of nowhere and may even be related to experiences of your own childhood. With already a shorter fuse than usual, you will naturally take out your frustrations on your partner. When you do, be sure to take responsibility for how you contributed to the argument and apologize, even if you believe your partner is in the “wrong”. And if any damaging words were exchanged, be sure not to brush it under the rug —repair it.
Be Gentle
While there are many amazing aspects of becoming a parent, there are clearly many challenges that you and your partner will need to negotiate. Like any worthy rollercoaster, there will be many ups and downs, blind curves and nauseating loops. After buckling up for the wild ride, be gentle and have compassion with yourself and your mate in this process. Remember that this time is precious and everything is temporary.