Mommy FAQs
Q. I feel really guilty even admitting this, but as much as I love my baby, sometimes I resent the fact that “the old me” has disappeared. I’ve had to sacrifice a lot of the things I used to enjoy “Pre-Baby,” like girls night out, weekends away with my husband, and just time to myself. Is this normal?
A. This is completely normal! It’s FEELS extremely difficult for new moms to maintain their own identity, let alone get a moment to herself. It is quite important, however, to set up systems to enforce “Mom” time. Women are the foundation of the family, therefore maintaining your own identity and attending to self-care is crucial to being a great mother and having a healthy, happy family. The old adage, “If mama ain’t happy, ain’t no body happy” is absolutely true. You must schedule weekly self-care time, or you will not take it. For example, body movement (even a short walk two times a week is great), hot baths, lunch with the girls, 10-minute meditation, 15-minute reading, etc. Bottom line: make a commitment to yourself, for the good of your family, to spend 10-60 self-care minutes each day. Everyone will be grateful for it!
Q. I think I’ve turned into one of those psycho paranoid moms! Everything seems like a threat to my baby-- from the man who smiles at my daughter in line at the grocery store to the child scheduled for a ‘playdate’ with my little girl. What is making me feel so crazy and protective?
A. Congratulations, you are now a lioness! Lions use there “intuition” (instincts) to sense danger. After giving birth, women have elevated levels of prolactin, the “parenting hormone,” which makes mothers willing to risk their lives for their babies. While you cannot protect your child from everything, like a lioness, you can use your intuition. Practice this extraordinary skill. Remember, when you are a crazed worrywart, you are stealing your child’s ability to trust herself and others, including you! That can be a detriment to confidence, self-esteem, future academic and sport performance. But, when you practice using your instincts and intuition, your child will learn to use hers and trust you.
Q. Ever since giving birth, my sex drive is gone. It’s been almost three months-- more than enough time to be active again, but I feel more dread than desire! My husband has been patient, but he’s going to get frustrated and I don’t want him to feel rejected. How do I get my mojo back??
A. This is common in post-partum women. I would suggest first going to a doctor (an MD and a sex specialist) who specializes in this to make sure 1) your hormones are on track, and 2) that nothing has been damaged during delivery. There are even great physical therapists who specialize is post-delivery healing.
The next order of business is your emotions, this is an overwhelming time, and let’s face it ladies, no matter how amazing your male partner is, the bulk of caretaking resides with Mommy! When you’re giving 100% of your energy to your baby every day, it’s hard to find any added energy for yourself or your partner. Make sure you are getting some time alone to decompress, even if it’s just 20 minutes a day. You may not be feeling your sexiest right now, but taking one evening every few weeks to have a “date night” will re-connect you and your husband emotionally. Carving out those moments together may even ignite that desire again! Be patient with yourself and give it time.
Q. My husband and I agreed that I would go back to work 3 months after our son’s birth, but now that the time is near, I can’t imagine going back to the office. How do I broach this question with him and negotiate a compromise?
A. Few new moms want to leave their new cubs! The best way to approach this subject is with honesty and vulnerability. Share your heart, not your potential anger or resentment. Ask for alternative solutions (men feel empowered when you ask for their help!) and make suggestions about where the family could make cut-backs to ease the financial burden. My clients and I have discovered many solutions to this challenge, so be open minded and creative.
Q. Whenever I get together with my friends who are also “new moms,” the conversation always turns competitive about our babies--- what percentile they’re in, who’s starting to talk, how smart they are already, etc. I don’t mind some friendly bragging about kids, but it’s gotten uncomfortable for those of us whose babies aren’t developing as quickly or progressing as fast.
A. Candor is a great choice here. Simply bringing attention to this dynamic can quickly diminish it. Also, reminding friends that “we are more than moms”, will encourage them to talk about something else! There was discussion before motherhood! This may also be a great opportunity to evaluate your community. Are these the moms and families you want your children learning from? The fact that you notice challenges such as this speaks to your emotional evolution. Perhaps you need to add friends with more depth. Either way, you do not need to participate in conversation that does not feel good, which is another step toward great self-care.
Q. My husband and I weren’t planning on another baby-- we already have a wonderful 4-year-old little girl who is the light of our lives. I just gave birth to twin boys and my daughter is acting out--- temper tantrums, bed-wetting and a lot of whining. I know she’s upset because so much of my time is spent with the twins, but I’m doing the best I can! How can I make sure she feels just as loved and important even though I can’t dedicate all my time to her anymore?
A. This is a unique position you are in. One great solution is inviting your 4-year-old to help you as often as possible. She will feel included, cared for and it will give her a chance to connect with her siblings. I would also suggest joining a “mom of twins” support group. These have proven to be extremely useful, as more and more families are having twins. However, try to avoid groups that use this time to complain. Complaining is counterproductive and steals more of your valuable time.
