The Good Mother
Redefined
Socially, women are taught so many rules and play so many roles. Think about it. You are probably fulfilling multiple roles simultaneously. Maybe you are the wife, the sister, the friend, the daughter, or the student. And I’m sure you have an idea of what makes a good wife, a good sister, a good friend, a good daughter, and a good student. Well, the same is true of your new role as mother. Take a moment to fill in these blanks. Don’t think too long; just fill in the first thing that comes to mind.
A good mother is______________________________________________________.
A good mother does____________________________________________________.
A good mother doesn’t__________________________________________________.
A good mother sacrifices________________________________________________.
Many women have preconceived notions of what a good mother does. Although we are often not aware of these inset beliefs, they can be detrimental to our mental health because these internal beliefs can foster feelings of guilt, shame, anxiety, and depression, especially when balancing multiple roles. It is very important that we learn to manage these beliefs because our mental health as mothers is really important. The problem is the fact that many of these beliefs are grounded in the past for what was expected of women. They have not come to date with the fact that many women are working fulltime. Because we now have additional roles as employee, coworker, or supervisor, we have to change our expectations of ourselves in the home, and that includes our expectations of ourselves as mothers. The way that we shape our home life and enlist the help of others can change our happiness and effectiveness as parents.
Here is a quick list of ways to help shape your life as you enter this new role of mother:
- Be prepared to forgive yourself. As a new mother, you will make mistakes. Just as you would make mistakes if you were starting a new job, you will not be perfect as a new mother. Talk to any mother and she will be able to tell you stories of mistakes that she made. But with time, you will figure out how to best mother your child.
- Enlist the help of Dad. Part of the reason that many women feel overwhelmed is because most families require both mothers and fathers to work. However, mothers often also carry the burden of the childrearing and housekeeping in addition to working. In other words, the mother becomes solely responsible for childrearing and does not incorporate the father into the child’s routine. Unfortunately, this hinders the father from being able to develop his abilities. It’s important to set a routine that incorporates the father early. He should be able to do everything from changing the diapers, to feeding, to bathing, to putting the babies to bed. Even if you and the father are not together, he should still be part of the routine in some way.
- When Dad is helping, let go of responsibility. As long as safety isn’t compromised, allow him to do it his way. The whole point of asking for help is so that you don’t have to worry about it. However, if you are checking up on him or worrying about it, then you might as well be doing it. When you ask the father for help, actually let go of responsibility. This will help him to feel more confident and assume responsibility himself. As a result, you will start to feel more confident in him too. Also, while he is helping with the workload, do something special for yourself!
- Set Daddy dates. Setting Daddy dates is a great way to help to build an emotional connection with father and child. Daddy dates don’t necessarily have to be long. It could be as short as one or two hours, but just knowing that a Daddy date is coming can be exciting for the father and the child, and allow the mother personal time.
- Take time for yourself. Many mothers feel selfish when they take time for themselves, but taking care of yourself is an important part of taking care of your children. Do you recall those airline emergency videos, which tell parents to put on their facemasks before putting facemasks on children? This is the opposite of what many parents instinctually want to do, but you have to be safe before you can save others. This also applies to parenting. Being emotionally healthy yourself will help you to raise healthy and happy children. So when you have these moments, take the time to relax. Paint your toenails, visit a friend, take a bubble bath, or read a book.
