Transitioning Into Parenthood
The transition to parenthood is a complex time often accompanied by a range of emotion: joy, excitement, fear, stress, disappointment, intense love, fulfillment, and uncertainty. Becoming a parent is one of the most significant life events that a person can experience, thus lending itself to the emotional contradictions that may be felt. Many new parents, though, are unprepared to experience the range of these complex emotions because the predominant cultural message is that new parenthood is a time of pure bliss, a time when being thankful and joyful are the only legitimate feelings to hold. Advertisements for baby products often show new mothers serenely holding infants who are snuggled and sleeping or calmly holding their mothers’ gazes. Well-meaning relatives and strangers often approach new mothers with exclamations of, “You must be so happy.” The contradiction between these prevailing messages and the reality of new parenthood can lead new mothers to feel shame and inadequacy. An exploration of some of the emotional and social changes the new mother will experience, and her changing needs for support, can better prepare a mother for this significant life transition.
In the first three months after birth, new mothers are in a very vulnerable state. Hormonal levels change dramatically during this acute post-partum period. Exhaustion from the delivery and the demands of caring for a newborn is common. Most new mothers will experience physical signs of the delivery for many weeks: soreness, vaginal discharge, breast tenderness, bottom soreness, and fatigue. The coupling of these very real physical changes in the new mother with the experience of caring for a newborn can lead to the heightened emotions that most new mothers experience. Awareness and acceptance by a new mother of the enormous responsibility and demands of keeping a fragile new baby alive during a time of vulnerability may allow the new parent to give herself permission to accept and understand the range of emotions. Rather than feeling shame if things do not feel “perfect”, a new mother needs to be prepared and understand that giving birth is a destabilizing life event which typically results in complex and contradictory feelings.
During the transition from pre-parenthood to parenthood many aspects of life will change: the relationship with one’s partner, relationships with family and friends, self-identity, work/career issues, and financial concerns. The largest shift is often the relationship with the partner. A couple that is very in sync as partners may not necessarily be in sync as parents. The parents bring their own history, values, expectations, and daily management skills into the raising of a child. They have their own images and expectations of how the child should be raised. Parenthood can change each partner’s view of the other in ways that may enhance or challenge the relationship. A new mother needs to learn about her partner as a parent and learn to negotiate differing perspectives about raising a child. Other relationships may also shift. The new mother’s own mother may have been unavailable as a parent but may be very involved and nurturing as a grandparent. The friend who was expected to visit regularly may not understand the needs of a mother with a newborn. All of these vital relationships will be viewed from a different perspective, through the lens of a mother. In addition, new relationships will form. Often, new parents are drawn to other parents because of their shared bond and understanding. Recognition of these relational and other life changes allows a new parent to expect some shifts, rather than to feel completely disoriented.
This awareness about evolving relationships is crucial because transitioning to parenthood does not need to be done alone. As discussed, new mothers are caring for infants during a time of physical and emotional changes, yet many new parents feel they should be able to manage their new babies without any help and have never asked for help before. However, when many new mothers feel depleted, vulnerable and fragile, support is essential. Parents should accept help from family members, friends, and neighbors. Some communities also have new mother support groups, mother-baby exercise classes, and educational programs at local libraries. Seize opportunities to talk with other caring, non-judgmental adults about the joys and challenges of being a new mother. Accepting help and connecting with others relieves some of the stress and helps new mothers normalize their experiences.
Having a baby is commonplace, but each new parent’s experience is unique and needs to be honored. The transition to parenthood is a process. Becoming a mother is not about what a book advises or what your own mother, aunt, or friend recommends. Becoming a mother is about learning to trust yourself, getting to know your baby and your own needs as a mother, and day by day making the journey through motherhood. The journey is full of complexity and holds many contextual and emotional factors. Considering and preparing for these many facets may allow for a smoother transition that is grounded in self-acceptance of the range of emotions that are felt, the challenges that will be experienced, and the extraordinary rewards that will be gained.
