Getting Some Sleep
How moms, babies, and families can sleep through the night
Expectations
Nothing explodes the precious routine of sleep (one of life's great essentials) more than the joy of having a baby. Until your infant sleeps through the night, sleep for you and the entire family will be interrupted. This is fine for the newborn period, but after some months (or years!) many parents seek the comfort and strength that a good night's sleep offers.
How we sleep
Normal adult sleep consists of four stages. Stage 1 is a very light sleep and easily broken by outside influences. Stage 2 is a solid sleep in which memories of various facts appear to be organized. In the middle of this stage we pass through the Cycle of Dreams, REM Sleep. Stages 3 and 4 are rather mysterious states of very deep sleep in which we are not sure what happens but from which arousal is very difficult. At the end of Stage 4, the sleeper returns to Stage 2 and the Cycle of Stages repeats for 3-5 rounds until sleep ends and we wake.
The key aspect of sleep cycles is that every time we emerge from REM Sleep, our brain decides whether to wake up or re-enter Stage 2 and continue to sleep through the cycles.
How babies sleep
Your newborn has two reasons not to sleep like we do. First, they are growing so rapidly it takes 6-8 feedings a day to meet their critical need for food, leaving only a few hours at a time in which to sleep. Second, a newborn's brain has not developed the ability to follow mature sleep cycles. For the first few weeks (months), all parents experience nights interrupted by their newborn and young infant's need to be fed, their immature sleep cycles, and their need to be helped to get back to sleep.
Parents' concerns
Most new parents expect their routines will vanish in the tumult of having a new baby. The loss of sleep is expected and usually managed well. But after a few months of sleepless nights, a time comes when they dream of having that night of sleep back. What stops parents from finding the rest their child and they need? In our experience with more than 10,000 families, we have found two reasons. The first is a concern that when their infant calls for them, there is an urgent need or a need to be fed. The other is that if they do not respond when their child cries, psychological trauma will be inflicted.
When should you seek a full night's sleep?
By four months of age, nearly all infants have developed a very mature sleep cycle and no longer eat at night. So the thought of getting a full night's sleep is now reasonable. If you find getting up several times a night exhausting, creating a feeling of tiredness and resentment during the day, then you might need to think about how to get a full night's sleep. The same is true for your child. However, if you and your child enjoy seeing each other 1-3 times a night and neither of you seems tired or strained by the experience, there is no urgency. So the answer is: Seek a full night's sleep only if you want to.
How to get a full night's sleep
If you have determined that you and your child want a full night's sleep, the solution is simple and usually takes no longer than 2-5 nights.
- Be clear about your goal.
What you are trying to do is give your infant or child the opportunity to figure out how to get back to sleep without your help when they awaken at night. The goal is not to be mean or make your child cry, but rather to be kind by giving them a chance to adapt to a new approach, one that offers the whole family a healthy and restorative night of sleep. - Make an action plan.
The plan is surprisingly simple: Set a bedtime and a wake-up time for your child; make sure you are not seen between these two times. Your child will likely be very angry if you do this. Keep in mind:- Their anger is an expression of a simple, short-lived disappointment.
- This process helps them make an important adjustment in their life.
- The process is not traumatic! No family has ever reported their infant or child even remembering the upset the next morning.
What not to do
There are a few things not to do once you decide you and your family should sleep all night:
- Do not make this decision alone. Be sure all caregivers agree this what you want to do.
- If you don't mind being up, do not take these steps. There is no absolute need to sleep without interruption. It may be nice, but it is not essential. Unless you really want to go towards a full night's sleep, do not lead your infant or child in this direction.
- Once you begin, do not stop halfway. Your goal is to change your child's expectations: from expecting you to appear when they call in the middle of the night, to expecting you not to appear. If you appear for any reason, it will not matter. Your child will think you are answering their call and will continue to call for you the next night. Even if you think you are "just checking," they will think that their call to you worked. So if you want to proceed, do not go in from bedtime to wake up time.
Essentially all of the 10,000 or more families who have followed this guidance were able to achieve a full night's sleep within 2-5 nights.
Good luck with your nights. We hope your family achieves the rest it seeks!
