Fatherhood in the 21st Century
Preparation for Dads-to-Be
If you asked first-time expectant mothers how they have prepared for motherhood, you would likely hear that they have read every parenting and childcare book they could find. They probably have talked with other mothers to compare experts' advice. Some will go to the extreme of borrowing a baby for a few hours, or even overnight, so they can try out the role of "mother" while the child can quickly be returned to the real mother if necessary. You might consider these strategies as "power tools" from a woman's tool kit.
But if you asked expectant fathers how they have prepared for fatherhood, their stories would probably be much different. They might say they have purchased a little baseball glove, a cuddly teddy bear, or a tiny pink t-shirt that says "Daddy's Little Princess." Or maybe they dug out some of their favorite childhood toys from the attic, dusted them off, remembered the fun they had as children, and lovingly placed them aside for their coming son or daughter. In their own ways, these dads are preparing for fatherhood.
Women and men experience pregnancy differently. Women carry babies in their wombs for nine months, feel their every movement, and develop strong emotional attachments with them even before birth. Consequently, most women desire to learn as much as possible about raising their babies as soon as possible. Men don't experience kicking firsthand, so they're not usually compelled to focus on pregnancy or approaching parenthood as intently as expectant moms do.
When they think of fatherhood, some dads imagine being involved in activities such as playing ball with their children. Still others contemplate buying a bigger house or a Labrador that plays fetch. Often they are not anxious about feedings, colic, preschool, or puberty until they first gaze into their child's eyes.
So what can spouses, friends and family do to prepare expectant dads for the realities of fatherhood? A great strategy is to simply get them talking with other men about their experiences as fathers. Most new dads are happy to talk about what they've learned, if only someone would ask them. They eagerly share how their lives have changed and describe the early days of parenthood—the pride, struggles, joys, and sleepless nights. Learning takes place painlessly when expectant dads watch pros care for their babies. They can be found at neighborhood parks or the nearest baby store where they will be examining and testing diaper genies, cribs, strollers, and car seats.
Discussing the value of the significant differences between mothers and fathers is important, and couples should note what characteristics each person will bring to the new family. Men can sometimes get the idea that they aren't really essential to the success of the family. Because of obvious changes to their bodies, the ability to breastfeed, and society's undisputed view of mothers' importance, women know they will be needed, so they prepare to take on the new role. First-time dads, however, often need to be reassured that they are important, so they will feel the need to prepare. Expectant moms should frequently verbalize the importance of their mates' unique contributions to the family to remind them of their value.
It is beneficial to plan in advance how dads will build relationships with their infants and strengthen the family. Dad can be the parent who bathes the baby every evening after work or in the morning while mom showers. Or, he can give the baby a feeding each day (with mom's previously expressed breastmilk if the baby is nursed). Having a plan and sticking to it can be helpful since the early days often leave both parents in a fog until everyone settles into a routine.
Enthusiastic attendance at prenatal classes can help dads prepare for the birth and beyond. Learning as much as possible, preparing the home for the baby's arrival, and accompanying moms to their OB visits are additional ways dads can support moms while preparing themselves emotionally.
Older men can be great sources of information for expectant dads. Even though times have changed and today's fathers are often more involved in baby's daily care than their own fathers were, hearing an older man's perspective can be helpful to younger men attempting to clarify their own values.
Wonderful books that provide great tips on parenting are available at most bookstores. They often offer specific ways for dad to relate to children as men, not as second mothers. Internet sites on fatherhood such as newdads.org and fatherhood.org provide terrific information and links to related sites. These resources can be invaluable to dads lacking strong father role models. Counseling may be helpful in some cases, especially when expectant dads' own fathers were absent, distant, or abusive. Resolution of these issues before birth is recommended, so dad feels more comfortable, confident, and equipped for parenting from day one.
Moms love seeing dads take an active part in the daily lives of their children. Dads and kids love it, too, especially if close bonds are developed early. Children earn better grades, stay in school longer, and feel more secure when there is strong involvement by fathers. Teens who enjoy a sense of security don't often feel the need to cope or seek attention in negative ways, such as involvement with drugs or early sexual activity. Both families and society are strengthened when dads feel confident and are involved with their children. Getting started before birth is crucial for the best chance of success. Fostering connections during pregnancy through communicating, planning, reading, and seeking guidance starts everyone off on the right foot.