A Healthy Marriage
Tips for After Baby Arrives
Congratulations! You are starting a family, one of the most significant events you can share as a couple. But be warned: marital satisfaction is known to take a dip after the arrival of a new baby. The stress of unfamiliar responsibilities, coupled with less time together and more sleep deprivation, can present a challenge to the healthiest of relationships. Begin now to plan ways to stay connected and functioning together as these challenges arrive. The following tips may help you to manage the road ahead.
Increase Your Direct Communication with each Other
Practice stating needs clearly, and learn to ask for specific help from each other. The more you can be comfortable talking about your thoughts, feelings and desires, the easier they can be met. This is the time to practice more talk, and fewer assumptions about your partner's needs and wants.
Share Baby Duties and Responsibilities
Often baby care can quickly become the domain of one of the marital partners, usually the mother. Not only does it feel more secure to have two able adults available to meet baby needs, it also helps with the exhaustion that often accompanies the early postpartum time. Try to avoid micromanaging each other, and give each other space to learn how to care for the baby.
Keep some Perspective
The early postpartum weeks and months can be some of the most intense experiences of your relationship. Remember that it does not last forever. If you find that you are not enjoying a particular stage in your baby's development or what has happened to your marital relationship —don't worry—it will soon change. Interruption to your sex life is normal and should be tolerated with patience and kindness towards each other.
Maintain Your Sense of Humor
Along with keeping perspective, is maintaining a sense of humor about life changes. Looking for the fun in this new adventure can help in relieving stress. Keep talking to the people who help you laugh, and try to stay connected with the things that tickle your funny bone. Everybody feels inept and bewildered by baby care at first. Being able to laugh at yourselves and encourage each other can get you through rough spots.
Accept Outside offers of Help
If you have been a self-sufficient couple with little connection to the outside world, it's time to open up. People generally want to help a couple with a new baby, and it will serve you well to learn to say, “Yes, thank you!” to offers of meals, housekeeping, shopping and babysitting. If you do not have family and friends around, consider hiring paid help for much needed breaks.
Have a Daily Stress-reducing Conversation
John Gottman's groundbreaking research on marriage shows that successful couples stay in touch with each other within at least 15 minutes of daily, mutually supportive conversation. This conversation should include good listening, empathy, gentle touch and affection and no judgment or advice giving. Set a timer, and make it a priority. It helps!
Build Your Mutual Support System
Now is the time to increase your network of friends and family, including other couples in the same stage of life. Neighborhood and church groups that get you together with others can provide a lot of helpful support as you make this family transition. Classes, support groups and social gatherings can help with the isolation of baby care and help ease stress as you share your lives with others.
Carve Out Time Away as a Couple
In addition to daily conversation, getting out of the house as a couple can be an important part of your marriage maintenance. It is important to still have pleasurable experiences together after the baby arrives. This may be only an hour long dinner date away, or even a nice dinner at home after the baby is asleep. Try to focus on your connection as a couple away from the baby for short periods, so that you can remember why you got together in the first place.
Watch for Signs of Stress, Anxiety or Depression
The early postpartum time is a period of vulnerability to the development of mental health challenges. Constant emotional and physical stress can take its toll on a parent and actually trigger depression or anxiety symptoms. Talk to your doctor or a mental health professional if either of you find that you are constantly sad or irritable, are unable to sleep or eat, or are having disturbing and troublesome thoughts. Early detection and treatment is the best way out of postpartum depression or anxiety, and should be talked about as soon as symptoms arise.
Practice Good Self-care
Helping each other to take good care of yourselves as individuals is an important part of a healthy marriage. Encouraging daily exercise, healthy eating, and adequate sleep is one of the most loving ways you can support each other. Figure out a schedule for both of you to get daily time to take care of yourselves, and make sure you both do it. Babies need happy, healthy parents. Helping each other to be the best you can be as individuals is the best way to give your baby the nurturing supportive environment they need.
Use these tips as a way to keep you marriage a priority. If you find that your marriage hits a rocky patch while going through the transition to parenthood, get help as soon as possible. Professional counseling can help increase your communication and get a plan of action in place for keeping your relationship thriving and growing in the years ahead.
