Preserving Your Relationship:
Transitioning into Parenthood
Congratulations, you and your husband have been anxiously waiting for this time in your life! You are finally pregnant and are about to expect a beautiful little baby boy or girl into your family. You are probably doing research on all the items a new baby will need and have been putting your gift registry together. You may have already picked out the hospital you want to deliver in, may be signed up for a Lamaze class with your husband, and both have been reading all the books, gearing up for the baby's arrival.
But one area that seems to get overlooked is how this new baby will change your life once he or she arrives on the scene, and especially how a little one will affect your relationship with your partner. The reality is that for any couple, whether they have been together for a short time or have weathered many changes over a number of years, this transition will alter every aspect of your relationship. The first few months are especially the most difficult, as each person grapples with their new role as mother or father, what that role means on a day-to-day basis, and how it defines their relationship with each other.
There are concepts such as: What sacrifices will be made by each party for the benefit of the child? What duties will be covered by each person? And how can you both move from operating as individuals to working as a team every day? These are rarely discussed up front and end up becoming sore subjects within a relationship. This is because they are being worked through while each person is sleep deprived, emotionally spent, and overwhelmed with their new responsibilities.
This transition, however, can also create an opportunity for an even stronger relationship if the foundation for working together is laid down ahead of time. This period of one's life should be the happiest, as each person utilizes their own strengths and love to nurture the baby you both brought into being. If a couple continues to remember why they gave birth to this baby to begin with, this is a chance to experience a wonderful and amazing event in one's life.
While the first six weeks are a tough transition, your relationship as a couple and as parents to your child will hopefully last a lifetime, and that requires constant nurturing of both. Below are ways to preserve your relationship through the early years with your baby.
Find time to discuss conflicts when not emotional.
There are always going to be times when disagreements occur, but the key to working through those moments is to make time to talk when each person is not defensive, and real communication can occur. Sometimes that may not happen for several days, allowing each person to cool off and be able to listen to the other person's point of view. But agree to make that time and clear the air. Remember, you are committed to each other for the long term, and that means you may not always see eye to eye, but the love that brought you together should also provide the respect for each other's opinions.
Be open to listening to the needs and feelings of your partner.
Sometimes couples need private time to reconnect, learn how each other is feeling, and open up about what they perceive is missing. Life can be so busy and chaotic that weeks can go by with Mom really needing a hug and Dad truly wanting intimate time, and neither are able to get those needs met. One thing I love to do with my husband is, after the baby is asleep, we sit outside on our back deck with a glass of wine and without any distractions, just spend time talking and sharing. It allows us to delve into our inner thoughts and reconnect as a couple, not just as parents.
Talk about your physical and emotional needs to maintain closeness and intimacy.
While talking about what each other might need in the short term, also talk about what initiatives you want to put in place now that spontaneity is not as easy to achieve. It used to be that my husband and I could be intimate with each other whenever we wanted. Then with the baby, we discovered both of us were so exhausted by the time we went to bed, a week or two could go by without finding time for ourselves. So we decided to arrange date nights in the bedroom, where we would make plans to meet up right after we put the baby down. Other times we would rendezvous in the middle of the day when the baby was taking a nap. Now is the time to be creative, rather than allowing the moment to unfold. Be proactive because it won't happen otherwise.
Plan a regular date night.
This is another way to reconnect to who you are as a couple and not just as your baby's parents. Find a great babysitter (whether it be a grandparent or family friend) to watch your baby so the two of you can go off and do something fun. Or plan a night as simple as having a picnic in your own house with private time. Dedicate this time to yourselves. It will keep your relationship fresh.
How do you appreciate and cherish each other on a regular basis?
With a new baby occupying your full attention, it's easy to take one another for granted. So try to make an effort to do little things to show how much you care. A few examples are leaving a note for your husband before he goes off to work, having Dad rub Mom's back or shoulders when the baby is sleeping, cooking a special meal, offering to take the baby and give each other a break, or arranging a babysitter so the two of you to go out together, alone.
Learning how to collaborate?
This is where parenting as a team comes in. Start to learn how to come together and agree on the parenting methods you will use. Find ways to help each other with the responsibilities, and utilize one another's strengths and weaknesses. Communication is vital because each person needs to talk about where they require assistance, what they like or don't like about what their partner is doing, and what compromises will be made. Remember when parents are happy, baby is happy.
