During my first pregnancy, I made the mistake of picking up one of those peppy pregnancy magazines. A little piece at the back compared the anticipation of being pregnant to “Christmas and your birthday wrapped up in one”. Funny, with my concerns over childcare issues, questions about how baby would affect my professional life, and my trepidation about what labor would be like, I wasn’t often feeling festive. Don’t get me wrong — I was thrilled to be pregnant. But that didn’t mean I felt like having a nine month party in celebration of the changes to come. In my counseling work with pregnant women and new moms, I have learned that I wasn’t alone. Truth be told, becoming a mother is a profound transition. The cliche about “life never being the same again” is, well, true. It is normal to have a variety of emotional reactions during pregnancy. While one particular emotion may predominate, most women experience all of the following reactions at some point during their pregnancies.
Many women speak of experiencing a profound sense of happiness and well-being while pregnant. “I just couldn’t stop smiling,” was how my client Ginger* recalled her first pregnancy. “I would be at work, and I wasn’t ready for anyone to know, so I couldn’t talk about it. But I couldn’t keep from smiling all the time! It was like I had the most wonderful secret going on right inside me.”
Happiness, of course, feels great, and it is what most people who are aware of our condition expect us to feel. But bliss can be complicated, too. While dads-to-be are often just as thrilled as moms, they may react to the news differently, perhaps focusing more on work as they anticipate the financial realities of having kids. “Bob was the one who really wanted kids,” Carla remembered. “When I told him about the positive test, he cried he was so happy. But then it was like we just processed things differently. I was blissed out, while he started staying at work longer and talking about college savings plans. It was tough not to be sharing the same reaction.”
Joy can also be complicated when a childless friend or relative is evidently pained by our news. This was the case with my client Rhea. “I called my sister. I knew she would be upset, but I had to tell her. She didn’t even say ‘congratulations’. It felt terrible to be hurting someone I loved by my own happiness. And yet I also felt angry at her that she couldn’t even pretend to be happy for me.”
A friend of mine with adult children told me than when she broke the news to her mother that she was expecting, her mom replied, “Oh, honey. What did you have to go and do that for? Now you’re going to have something to worry about for the rest of your life!” And indeed, for many of us, after the first rush of bliss wears off, we do find much to worry about. Fears can be fairly trivial and circumscribed -- Will I gain too much weight? Will our parents be offended if we don’t choose a family name? How will I deal with the pain of labor? Or there may be larger worries that touch on issues of core importance to us. Will I be good mom? Will the baby be healthy? How will the baby affect my relationship with my husband? What will this mean for my career? We may at times feels guilty when we catch ourselves worrying more than rejoicing, but our worry is normal, and for many of us, it may in fact be helping us to prepare ourselves emotionally for the big changes to come.
Cassie was a 35 year old first time mom who began working with me shortly after her daughter was born. She describes her pregnancy experience this way: “I was so happy to be pregnant, but I wasn’t one of those women who had dreamed of having children her whole life, so in a way, it seemed like this totally foreign thing. I really couldn’t picture what it would be like to be a mom. I think the way I got ready was by getting all ‘the stuff’. My husband thought it was ridiculous how much I worried about every item — what kind of crib should we get? Stroller? Car seat? Rocking chair? Breast pump? But my worrying about ‘stuff’ was my way of making the pregnancy — and the baby to come — real.”
Remember when Lucy Ricardo started crying at the baby shower for Little Ricky because all of the presents were for the baby, and she felt that no one cared for her anymore? Well, I had my own version of that at my pregnant Christmas when I realized it would be the last time that I would be “the kid” in the family, the one who would be the focus of attention on Christmas morning. I was 36 years old. Feeling a little grumpy that very little in my life was going to be “just about me” ever again was one way that ambivalence manifested itself for me. There are many ways that mixed feelings can surface during a pregnancy. Not all women welcome the changes their bodies undergo. In fact, becoming aware that there is a process going on inside you over which you have very little control can be deeply unsettling.
There is some evidence that how your own mother felt about being a mom can affect your reaction to your pregnancy. This was certainly Kathy’s experience. “My mom loved us a lot, and she used to tell us all the time that we were the best thing that ever happened to her. But on her bad days — and now I know that every mom has them — she could be really vocal about her frustrations. ‘Don’t ever have kids!’, she would say. And even though I knew she didn’t really mean it, it kind of had an effect on me. When I was pregnant, I thought a lot about the bad parts to come.”
There are those of us who may need to anticipate the difficulties of motherhood in order to fully prepare ourselves to enjoy the good. In one Native American wedding ceremony, the bride and groom are separately told about all of the hard, painful, and disappointing things about marriage. After hearing all the bad news for hours on end, they are asked if they still would like to go through with it. When they say their vows the next morning, they are ready for what lies ahead. Owning our ambivalence — admitting that we have it and being willing to talk about it — is a wonderful way to make room to fully embrace the good. Rachel found this to be true for her. “After nine months of worrying and not really feeling as excited as other people seemed to think I should feel, when Sophie got here, I was so filled with utter bliss. Everyone had told me about the sleep deprivation and not being able to get anything done, and I had worried so much about what it would be like. But no one had told me how good she would smell, how delightful it would be to watch her nod to sleep at my breast. I guess no one could have told me that. It was like when I was pregnant, I knew exactly what I was about to lose, but I couldn’t even imagine what I was about to gain.”
During a pregnancy, we might swing back and forth between these different reactions. Just as we are each going to handle motherhood somewhat differently from each other, we will have our own very personal emotional reactions to being pregnant. The important thing to remember is that all kinds of reactions are normal and have their place in helping us to get ready for the momentous changes our lives are about to undergo.
*All names have been changed.