Having the Birth That’s Right for You
Not Your Mother, Your Sister or Your Best Friend

Everyone comes to pregnancy and childbirth at all different stages of readiness and awareness. You might not have a clue about what to ask or even where to begin. Or, maybe you’ve read every book, magazine article, and study you can get your hands on. Whatever the case, it’s a sure bet you’re getting advice and hearing stories from those around you, and what eventually happens is that you start “trying it all on.”

While reading a pregnancy magazine, you come across a photo of a beautiful woman surrounded by glowing candles, blissfully breathing through a contraction. The person who cuts your hair tells you that she has no intention of feeling anything. She’s getting an epidural as soon as she gets to the hospital. Then, whether you’re even aware of it or not, you form a mental picture of yourself in these different situations to see how they might feel for you. Your reactions could range from “#*! No!” to “Yes, where do I sign up?!” to “I wish I could be the kind of person who would do that.”

When something feels absolutely right or absolutely wrong, there’s usually no denying it. But when you’re feeling “not so sure” or “unsettled” about something, it’s worth taking a closer look. If you find yourself wishing you could be “stronger, braver, and so on,” maybe that’s a warning sign. It almost always means that your expectations are unrealistic or unfair to you or you’re making somebody else’s expectations your own.

Your Expectations, Not Theirs
Your friends, coworkers, and family who’ve had babies have lots of ideas on the “best” way to have a baby, and they’ve probably been eagerly sharing these ideas with you every chance they get. Yes, they mean well (most of the time). But their thoughts and advice are based on what they went through –an experience unique to them.

Maybe you’re hearing things like, “Are you crazy? Just get the epidural.” Or, “Don’t have an epidural, you’ll wind up with a C-section.” When how you see yourself having your baby matches what you’re hearing, you’re going to feel very supported. When it doesn’t, you could end up feeling anxious and full of doubt about your own decisions. And when you’re not really sure about how you feel you might feel pressure to do something that’s not right for you.

Finding Your Method
The first step when you discover yourself in this very common situation is to cut yourself some slack. You don’t know exactly what you’re going to need in childbirth. How could you? You’ve never done this before! And even if you have, every labor and delivery is different.

• Take pause. Get some mental distance from the fact that this worked for your best friend or co-worker. Do whatever you usually do to try to get some perspective. Take a walk, go shopping, breathe, exercise, meditate, get your nails done. If you need a sounding board, talk to someone you trust who can be objective.
  
• “Try on” the birth option that you’re considering to really feel how it sits with you. And ask yourself some questions that will help you get to the core of how you really feel. For example, What do I typically do when I’m in pain? Do I curl up into a ball in my bed? Do I pace around? Do I moan and yell” Do I “tough” it out? Do I lose it when it gets to be too much? How do I feel about pain medications for labor and delivery? Am I absolutely sure that I do or don’t want it? Am I on the fence? Do I want to wait and see how I feel once I’m in labor?
  
• See how your answers match up with the birth option you’re trying on. It may be a direct hit. It may be that parts of it feel right to you and you’ll be able to modify the rest to fit your needs. Or, your answers may tell you that it’s not a good match but bring you closer to what is.

Expectation Revelation
Have patience with yourself. Some choices will be more obvious than others. Some you’ll know in an instant; others will dawn on you gradually. You might need to try on an entire closet-full of options before you get to the ones that are right for you.

And remember, you can always change your mind. If a decision you made with certainty last month starts to feel not so good this month, that’s OK. You might feel discouraged, but take heart –you’re really on you way to understanding what’s right for you. You’re just shedding those expectations and options that won’t work in order to get to the ones that will.

 

Editorial based on an excerpt from the book The Birth That’s Right For You, by OB/GYN Amen Ness, Doula Lisa Gould Rubin, and Mom Jackie Frederick-Berner, published by McGraw-Hill, December 2005.