The first reality to accept is you are now unceremoniously demoted. Your Kingdom Company is now Baby, Inc., and when the dust from the hostile take over settles, you’ll realize you are now in fact a minority shareholder. You can advise, consult, and she’ll likely ask your input, but somewhat disconcerting is she gets all the final decision-making power, from what color to paint the baby room (she’ll want seafoam green; you’ll want Cardinal red), to whether you are getting fudge ripple ice cream or cheesecake. It’s just nature’s way.
Few decisions cause more angst than whether or not to find out the baby’s sex. Some people need to know. Some want to be surprised.
One father-to-be insisted he find out the sex so that the boy or girl as a newborn, screaming, bloody mess didn’t sense “one second of disappointment or pick up any negative vibe upon being born.” (Yes, as a matter of fact he was from California). The phrase “we don’t care as long as he or she is healthy” is common and sincere, though if it helps, little girls don’t pee in your face when you’re changing their diaper and little boys end up costing less money over the 18 years you’re responsible for them.
This is usually a case where whoever feels stronger about whether or not to find out, gets their way. Of course, typically, the woman tends to feel stronger about it than the guy, but really, it’s fun either way.
Then there’s the name. Again, another personal decision that often becomes a bit of a battle between the parents-to-be. Some people think it’s romantic to wait until the baby is born to see what it looks like and then name him or her. This can be dangerous and has led to quite a few “Slimyplacentacovereduterusdropping Kopecki” which of course, becomes hard to fit on government and school forms.
Whatever it is, if and when you and your gal decide on a name, DON’T TELL ANYONE. Wait until the baby is born. No matter how perfect the name is, someone will give you a reason to dislike the name. “Oh, I knew a Zachary once,” they’ll say upon hearing it. “He would never buy a round of beer when it was his turn, and later went on to cannibalize a family of Quakers.”
BUT nobody ever says anything bad about a baby name when it’s attached to an actual cute baby. So even if the name is “Mussolini,” it’s “Mussolini! That’s so cute! Look at him!”
You may be relieved or you may be miffed if your wife has considered bringing in a pinch-hitter—and likely both.
Sometimes it’s the Mom that is not your Mom. Touchy situation, but hopefully you can avoid that for reasons that should be painfully obvious. Sometimes you’ll hear words like “midwife” and “doula.” Consider these people subcontractors who are actually better at showing up when they are supposed to than the clown scheduled to resurface your driveway.
There are several good reasons to get involved with either of the above:
If you’re the type of guy who absolutely refuses to call in someone and pay him to rewire an outlet, build a patio deck, or hang a new storm door, but you’re “not comfortable” getting involved with this home improvement project, then you need a severe attitude adjustment, soldier. Now, if I was a chick, I’d tell you that the birth of another living creature is the most amazing beautiful blah blah experience you could ever blah blah in your life. Well, it’s actually stressful, tedious, scary, and totally disgusting—but until the DNA samples from the lab prove otherwise, you were there at the conception of this thing so you should be there when it comes out. Partner with the midwife or doula, don’t have her replace you.
Because you’re born with male genitals and a penchant for power tools, you will suddenly be faced with the herculean task of baby-proofing your home. Suddenly, thanks to the savvy marketers of Baby Products You Don’t Need But Feel You Must Urgently Pay A Premium Price For Or You’re A Horrible Horrible Excuse For A Man, everything in your house is suddenly going to kill your newborn baby. That electrical outlet? Of course Jacob will find a stray fork and stick it in. That toilet? Oh, god, surely little Tina will spontaneously jump in, flush herself down, and be wrestling with alligators in Mississippi in no time.
Oh, and that coffee table? Pre-conception, it was a handy piece of furniture on which to stack your issues of Sporting News; now it’s a reckless, dangerous, sharp-corner-wielding machine that will not only endanger the very life of your precious new Ethan Junior, it will keep him out of an Ivy League college.
So this is what you do: crawl around on the floor and see things from a baby point of view. Anything that is dangerous or precious get above that level. This includes your CD collection, especially if you alphabetize.
The absolute most important things to be concerned about include:
There’s a ton more money you can spend, but I say use your guy-given common sense.
When I was born, my Mom tossed me in a laundry basket and took me home in the car. That explains a lot, including my irrational fear of fabric softener.
Now, the St. Louis area hospitals won’t let you take the baby home unless you show up with a properly installed car seat. And it is serious business, as our Children’s Hospital points out that 80 percent of the car seats they inspect aren’t put in correctly. The stakes are high, and you’ve likely never known the fear of God until you realize it’s two weeks from the baby’s birth and you don’t have the damn thing in.
First off, get a good new one, not a used one. Read the online reviews and talk to your baby-making friends. Then, prepare to sweat bullets trying to figure it out before finally seeking help with it. Now, the doctors and nurses will tell you that any local fire house will help you install it correctly, but that’s not entirely true. Try calling a few in your neighborhood and you might get lucky, otherwise keep your eyes and ears open for hospitals who will help. But don’t procrastinate. Typically these sessions are offered only once a month or less often, and only for a few hours.
Finally, it’s not too soon to start talking to the baby or even reading to it. Yes, they can really hear you in there (so watch it, potty mouth, because the rug-rat-to-be can distinguish between her voice and yours). Let’s have them used to your voice nice and early. Ask them how they are doing, ask if they are ready to come out, read them the Cardinal stats, and even sing to the belly. Appropriate songs: nursery rhymes, Woody Guthrie songs, jazz standards. Sammy Hagar tunes … not so much.
As you get closer, your gal is likely going to get more and more anxious. Her “nesting” impulses will kick in and this is one to-do you should stay on top of getting ready for the new arrival. Also, try to comfort her and keep her as calm as possible. It helps if you don’t freak out.
Stick around, too—not a time to plan that weekend away, even if it is deer hunting season.
And … just … wait.