From Two to Three
Transitioning From Couplehood to Parenthood

In her book Heartburn, Nora Ephron wrote "a child is a grenade. When you have a baby, you set off an explosion in your marriage, and when the dust settles, your marriage is different from what it was. Not better, necessarily, not worse, necessarily, but different"¹. While this sounds like a strong statement research has confirmed that the transition from couplehood to parenthood is as intense a change as Ephron communicates². Every year approximately 4.2 million babies are born to couples in the United States. Having a baby is an exciting and beautiful event for both the mother and father. Despite this joy, however, nearly two-thirds of couples will experience a significant drop in marital satisfaction within the first three years and will have a dramatic increase in conflict and hostility ³. While those are scary figures, the real thing to consider is why are roughly 30% of couples sailing through without this unhappiness? And if a couple cannot help but face these challenges, is it possible to do it in a way that could actually improve a marriage?

Like most couples who are expecting a baby, you and your spouse want to be good parents and provide the best for your child. With the birth of your first child most of your focus will be placed on your new baby, making it easy to forget about the relationship between you and your partner. Small annoyances and stresses can build to an unnecessary breaking point, not to mention the effect sleep deprivation has on irritability.

The best way to avoid potential hostility and enrich your marriage is to practice effective communication. First, choose an appropriate time to begin a discussion. Five in the morning when the baby is crying is probably not the best time to complain about dishes left in sink. Instead, plan a quiet time with your spouse to sit down for an honest conversation. Listen to the concerns of your partner without criticizing, making an extra effort to remain calm and respectful. It is also important to recognize the things that are going well in your new situation. Do not forget to praise both you and your spouse for successfully managing feedings and diaper duty. Although you should attempt to spend quality time away from the baby, don't feel too bad if the conversation mostly surrounds the new baby. Not only is this natural, it is also a sign of successful parenting. You should be happy that both you and your spouse are equally engaged in the concerns of the baby. As the child grows older you will see your conversations shift away from such ‘baby-centric' topics.

According to research from the Gottman Institute, mothers are significantly happier if they experience the transformation from ‘two' to ‘three' with the father simultaneously⁴. Becoming a mother for the first time is so life altering that if the husband does not go through it with the wife, undoubtedly a distance will grow between them. In a mother's healthy exuberance she can come off as a ‘boss' or ‘know-it-all' to her husband. It is important that the mother attempts to keep these tendencies in check as eventually this behavior can cause the father to withdraw from both her and the baby. While this might be difficult at first, small compromises on parenting styles at the beginning will have long lasting effects for long term parenting styles and can improve a father's long term commitment to his family.

Fathers also have difficulties bonding with newborns, as they tend to be less naturally nurturing than mothers. To rectify this, fathers should capitalize on their natural playfulness. Newborns have the ability to smile at only three-weeks old and can recognize movements with their eyes at an even earlier stage. By engaging with their babies during this stage Fathers will be able to develop a better bond with their children from a very early age. This bond will help fathers feel more invested in their families and help soothe small fissures that can develop between the parents. Finally, when a woman becomes a mother her life automatically becomes focused, almost solely, on the child. This can affect a father in many ways, but most importantly he will begin to miss his wife. Mothers need to be aware of this fact and acknowledge these emotions and remind their husbands that he is still very central to her life.

Research has repeatedly demonstrated that healthy child development, good parenting, and emotionally connected children are all a product of a satisfied parental relationship. Based on years of research and proven relationship enrichment methods, programs such as ‘Bringing Baby Home' offered locally in St. Louis, is focused specifically on helping expectant couples equip themselves with the knowledge and skills needed to cope constructively with the changes brought about the birth of a child.

To guarantee that you and your partner possess the skills needed for a healthy marriage we suggest enrolling in a marriage enrichment course. In doing so, you both will be taking the first step towards building a healthy marriage and in turn raising strong and satisfied children. It is important that parents learn how to constructively cope with the many changes brought about by the birth of a child. In doing so, parents can greatly increase their marital satisfaction and thereby improve the well being of their child.

Editorial provided by Caroline Allen of the St. Louis Healthy Marriage Coalition.