New Mom Networking
Sharing the Successes and Struggles
Taking care of a new baby can be one of the most joyous and amazing experiences, filled with awe, love and gratitude. It can, however, also be filled with anxiety and insecurity, leaving a new parent to feel exhausted, overwhelmed and vulnerable. Everywhere one turns there is more and more advice about what to do and how to care for the baby. While often reassuring, the multitudes of opinions can be overbearing. How can parents know what to do? What answers are right for them? One of the best ways to decide is to talk with other parents in similar situations.
Despite the increased ability to stay connected to others through blogging, text messages, and Facebook, new parents can still find themselves feeling very isolated. In fact, social isolation is one of the key components leading to postpartum depression in mothers. Old friends may live too far away to see regularly. Other acquaintances may not be in the same stage of life to truly revel in the delight of the first smile or to appreciate the struggle to get the baby to take a bottle.
Having a new baby is a period of transition, one in which the parents go from being a couple to being a family. The changes that occur are enormous and people often underestimate the amount of stress an infant can create in a relationship. Sleep deprivation, the awesome responsibility of caring for (and supporting) a new and totally dependent human being, and being on a very steep learning curve are just some of the reasons for the increased tension felt by new parents. Without being aware of the fact that these pressures are normal, parents can turn away from one another, thereby increasing the already growing sense of isolation. Just when mothers and fathers need the greatest level of support and understanding from one another, they often receive the least. Reaching out and having others to cry with and laugh with goes a long way toward getting us back into emotional balance.
Seeing firsthand what another person is experiencing leads to a different level of understanding. It is one thing to hear that someone’s baby cries a lot. It is another to witness the baby going from a sound sleep to yelling at the top of his lungs in no time flat. Hearing that someone’s baby wants to be held “all the time,” may not mean anything until you are in the same room and realize they really do mean all the time. Parents can also take comfort that other people are up at 2:00 in the morning with a totally awake, but must be held, baby. Sometimes that knowledge alone can be reassuring – we aren’t alone and other people are going through the same things we are.
Just as it can be helpful to hear other people’s experiences to normalize our own, it can also be a source of great support to have the opportunity to talk about, consider and clarify our own experiences with people who are willing to listen and give us the time to sort out our thoughts. We may get suggestions that we may not have thought of. Yet, other times, we may realize that what we are dealing with really is more extreme and that knowledge can spur us to make changes or seek out expert advice.
Finding a support group of caring people who have similar values as you do is essential; you don’t have to agree on every aspect of parenting. In fact, you can learn as much about what you want to do from those who do things differently as from those who approach a problem in a similar manner. But you do want people who are respectful and kind. Being a new parent can leave you feeling very vulnerable to outside critics, which isn’t surprising since you have never done this “job” before, particularly with this child. Even well-meaning advice can feel hurtful when you are trying your best! Meeting with others should leave you feeling understood and supported – not judged, undermined, or insulted.
There is almost something magical when parents come together in a supportive environment. You can see the stress wash away as parents learn that so many of their struggles are normal. Raising a child is hard work and parents need to be applauded for all of their efforts they make, all day, every day. And they need to be encouraged to get their own needs met so that they can continue to meet the needs of their little ones. Reaching out and making connections is not an act of luxury; it is, in fact, an essential piece to raising children who thrive. Maternal well-being is directly linked to the child’s ability to grow and learn.
Whether it be through formal programs offered by local organizations or informal play groups that you form, you will be starting a journey together; many of these parents will become your lifelong friends. They are the ones who will help you when you struggle and cheer when you succeed.