Obstacles to Self-Care
Finding Time for Yourself Post Partum
For many years, psychologists believed people reacted to stress by either fighting or fleeing, i.e., running away from a stressful situation. Research has shown that men and women respond differently when stressed. Women handle stress not by “fight or flee” but by “tend and befriend.” When women are stressed, they often cope not by tending to their own needs, but by caring for their loved ones and socializing with other women. Hence, “tend and befriend” is the standard female model for managing stress. Just because this is the most common coping tool does not mean it is the most productive. Perhaps this strategy of tending to others when stressed is why women suffer depression twice as often as men do.
Certainly, caring for those you love and socializing with your friends may make you feel better at times. But if you always give and never take time to rejuvenate yourself, your ability to give to others, friends or family, will diminish. You’ll wear yourself out. You must take care of yourself, emotionally and physically, to be at your best.
Preventing Postpartum Depression: Improving Post-Birth
Emotional Health
One of the most important things you can do to prevent postpartum depression is to take better care of yourself. As women, this is hard for us to do even when we aren’t facing the physical and emotional demands of infant care.
Unfortunately, most of us didn't learn to practice self-care while growing up. We often feel like making our emotional health a priority will interfere with taking good care of our children, partners, families and friends. In fact, the exact opposite is true. The more you care for yourself, the more energy and peace of mind you will have and the less resentful and stressed you will feel.
Below is a list of beliefs and habits that may be getting in the way of taking care of yourself, emotionally or physically. You may recognize some of them from the brain chatter, or self-talk, that bubbles up when you even think about taking time for you.
Obstacles to Self-Care
- Other demands are more important than my needs.
- My role is to take care of other people. It’s what women do.
- I can’t find the time to do the things I need to without adding this.
- I feel selfish when I do something for myself.
- I feel I don’t deserve time for myself to do what I want.
- I’m afraid other people won’t like me or will be angry with me.
- My mother never did anything for herself, so why should I?
- Nice girls always put the other person first.
- It takes all my time to do everything that needs to be done the “right” way.
- I think I can be healthy without doing this.
Once you're aware of your roadblocks, you can replace the negative ideas that get in the way of your ability to take care of yourself. The best way to defeat these counterproductive beliefs is to repeat new phrases to yourself. Read through the list and then try the exercise below. For detailed suggestions about talking back to each of these beliefs, refer to Chapter 3 of Drs. Sanford’s and Dunnewold’s new book, “Life Will Never Be the Same: The Real Mom’s Postpartum Survival Guide” (insert link to book website here again)
Reprogramming Your Self-Talk
Find a quiet place, and close your eyes. Practice slow, deep breathing, so slow that your abdomen rises and falls. For two minutes, repeat to yourself with each exhaled breath: “Taking care of me benefits the baby.”
When you take care of yourself, are you filling your pitcher, building your bank account, or recharging your batteries? Pick the metaphor that works best for you. Picture that image in your head while you repeat the phrase.
Each time thoughts weasel into your head, chastising you that something else is more important than taking time for you, take a deep breath and practice this exercise. This may seem silly or strange at first. You may doubt how this can work. Just try it for a few days before you judge its value.