Fatherhood
Adjusting to Life After Baby
Dan came into my office feeling anxious and insecure since the birth of his newborn son, Gabriel. He related that the birth had gone well, but his wife was experiencing difficulty breastfeeding. They were both exhausted and fighting with each other significantly more than ever before, and he was concerned that he couldn’t handle being a father. “I don’t know how to help my wife. This is so hard. I have been back at work for two weeks, and I’m embarrassed to say that I am less stressed at work than I am at home. Please tell me it will get better.” Indeed, I told him, it would get better.
Dan’s case speaks to many of the most important transition issues that new dads face as they begin the journey of parenthood. There are so many joys and wonders of having a new baby. There are some stressful transitions as well. Let’s take them one by one:
What is my role as a new dad?
Division of labor is an important element of couplehood, with or without children. As you and your partner have determined how to share the duties of the household prior to children, you must do the same once the baby arrives. Fathers have many reactions to breastfeeding. For some, the challenge is to figure out what other important things they can do to bond with the baby. Taking the baby for burping, changing diapers, and a nightly bath are ways that new dads can be helpful both to themselves and their wives, by bonding with the baby and owning an important part of the childrearing process. If your wife is pumping breast milk, or your baby is formula fed, you can also take turns for feedings.
One thing to remember is that nursing can be an emotional and exhausting process for the mother. What ever you can do around the house and with the baby (i.e., cooking, getting take-out, laundry, taking the baby for a walk) will be helpful. The important thing is that you and your partner talk about what you will each do that will both be helpful for the baby and each other in getting done all that needs to be done in the early stages.
I am so tired. Will I ever sleep again?
Yes, you will. But for the moment, you will likely be somewhat sleep deprived. It is hard to underestimate the effect of sleep deprivation on an individual and a couple. It can impact your mood and lead to short tempers and bickering. Lack of sleep can also impact your physical health, your diet, and your libido. As such, it is imperative to maximize sleep opportunities.
Try to sleep when the baby sleeps, if that is feasible. Take turns taking naps. Accept offers of help from family and friends whom you trust, and use that time to sleep if you are really exhausted. Many couples work out a schedule for feedings and sleeping (i.e., one person takes the first part of the night, other person takes second part, alternating night feedings, etc.). Remember that as the baby grows, he or she will sleep longer and longer, and you and your baby will eventually sleep through the night.
What will be the impact on our sex life after having a baby?
This varies from couple to couple, but it is fairly universal that a newborn will impact sex life. Here are some things to keep in mind: In terms of your own experience, you may take a while to get used to the way your wife’s body looks, and how she experiences her body. Things that used to feel good may not feel the same to her as they did before pregnancy. As stated above, you also cannot underestimate the impact of sleep deprivation – you both may be too tired to feel sexual.
In terms of what might be impacting your wife’s experience, her body has just undergone what is likely the biggest change she will ever experience. If she is breastfeeding, she is experiencing her body in a completely new way and will probably need some time to get used to nursing. As one woman said to me, “my body has become a freak show!” Some men and women feel uncomfortable with the duality of motherhood and sexuality. Hormones are running rampant, which may affect your wife’s sex drive.
To maintain physical intimacy, consider massaging each other, kissing, or other intimate activities that do not involve intercourse but allow you to spend focused time together. If someone you trust will watch the baby for an hour, even a walk around the neighborhood will help you maintain your couplehood, which is critical for yourselves and your baby’s happiness.
The most important thing is that you and your partner can talk about these issues openly. Roles, mood, and sex are all areas that can be negotiated between the two of you, and if you talk about them you can take the guessing game out of the equation. Remember to try to talk during calm moments, not when the two of you are exhausted, fighting, or the baby is crying, etc. Also remember to lead with kindness when you speak to each other – you are both doing the best you can.
How do I know if I need to talk to a therapist?
If you are feeling depressed, highly irritable, frequently angry, or have thoughts about harming the baby, call a therapist to consult. Remember that fatherhood is a new endeavor that is challenging to many people, and a consultation with a therapist who specializes in postpartum may be helpful.